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They only remind me of you

Thanks to everyone that has left their condolences, either here or on Facebook.

The last pics of Marlowe, I took them last week while he was snuggling and playing in this towel.

A sweet little lifeCollapse )

I miss my baby.

Dearly beloved

Dearest Beckett,

Today, November 5, it has been one year since you died. It took months for me to stop crying for you, and even longer to lose that hollow aching pain in my chest. Ben and I couldn't stand to bury you, to give your body back to the earth, and so your ashes are kept in an urn that will always be with one of us. When you died it hurt so badly that I felt as if I never wanted to see another rat again. Of course, I had Marlowe and Cassidy, so that wasn't an option - but never before had I felt that way at the loss of a rat - your passing really took something away from me. Away from the world, really, because how could the world not be worse off without you, when you had so much to give?

From the first day we brought you home, a scrawny, buggy baby with ridiculous ears, we knew that you were special. You never knew fear - it simply never occurred to you that someone might not love you, because you loved everyone. You approached all you encountered with such sweetness, innocence, benevolence - it was amazing the way you radiated love. At times you were such a mama's boy, such as when you'd come flying across the room, screaming, being terrorized by Kinsey, to scramble up my body and lodge yourself at the nape of my neck - you knew that I would always protect you. You loved your daddy, too, though, and I sometimes felt a little jealous at the way you two would cuddle, how you would run up to him and try to climb the leg of his jeans...but I knew you loved me, too.

Ben can barely stand to talk about you, even now. If I try, he gets so quiet and I know he is hurting. It's not that he doesn't want to remember you, it's just that it's still too painful. I dream about you regularly, that you've come back from the dead. I think that Ben believes you are in Heaven. I don't believe there is an afterlife, but if there is some paradise beyond death, you surely deserve to be there.

We probably should have let go by now, but it has never hurt so much before. I love each of my rats, past and present, with all my heart - but you! You tore my heart from my chest and made off with it, and I don't think I'll ever fully have it back. But that's okay, because I don't want to forget you.

If love alone could keep a heart beating, then you would have lived forever because you were loved so very much.

You are still loved so much.

We miss you, puddin'.

Because this made me laugh

Most Puppy Love stuff makes me cry because it's all so heartbreakingly tragic, but this particular one made me laugh out loud.

credit: Unbreakable: Sirius Black & Remus Lupin

Seriously I crack up every time I watch it.

Come on, you think it's funny, too.

Photo post

I know I've posted an unusual amount in the last twelve hours or so but this post is warranted because my rats are cute. My life is falling apart and I'm bawling my eyes out in Jacquie's office (and she's not even a counselor anymore) but my rats, or at least Marlowe, comfort me. I still miss Beckett like a bleeding hole in my heart, though.

new Marlowe photosCollapse )

I need to work on getting pictures of Cassidy, but sometimes he acts like he is afraid of the camera, and the other times he is in consant (and largely destructive) motion.

Our Allotted Lifetimes

This is a piece by Stephen J Gould that has brought me comfort when losing my little ones to their old age.

Our Allotted LifetimesCollapse )

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November 2010